Internet Safety: A Topic For All Ages

Last month I told you how I got to see top bullying expert Dr. Michele Borba speak as part of a community series organized by my friend and colleague Sue Scheff. There was much to be learned from Dr. Borba's expertise. I wrote about the keys to ending bullying and the conversation you need to have with your child.

The next presenter in the series was Theresa Payton, an expert in online security as well as the co-author of Protecting Your Internet Identity. She also served in the White House as the Chief Information Officer under President George Bush in 2006-08.

This time, unfortunately, I was unable to attend. But I asked Sue to share some key learnings from Teresa's presentation for The Mom Pledge Blog:

Ms. Payton opened her lecture by introducing the Digital Natives to the Digital Immigrants. By asking the audience of over 250 people to stand and sit you could clearly see the generation gap of who was raised with the digital times and who wasn't.

After recognizing the natives from the immigrants she started off by reminding us we are in a new generation of the ever-expanding technology. She then shared a recent quote from Google's Chairman Eric Schmidt, "... As children live significantly faster lives online than their physical maturity allows, most parents will realize that the most valuable way to help their child is to have the privacy-and-security talk even before the sex talk."

By being interactive with the audience Ms. Payton was able to demonstrate how kids and teens view virtual friendships on social networking sites such as Facebook. She explained to the crowd that kids will assume they are a friend since they are friends of a friend and they seem like a nice person. In reality they don't know that person.

Her example was with a group of teenagers and they all admitted to befriending each other friends that they really didn't know and this befriending happens only because they are friends with someone you mutually know.

Having friends that you really don't know can lead to stranger danger and you are opening yourself up to other matters concerning your privacy and your family's privacy.

Theresa Payton is a huge advocate of the "Grandma Rule." If you are posting something you wouldn't want your grandmother to see or hear, then don't post it online. It is that simple. She reiterated it over and over again to the kids. She also reminded the kids, and adults, never to post when you are angry.

Who is watching? Ms. Payton told the kids, especially teenagers that are looking to start applying to colleges a look into the future, who is watching their digital footprint:

• College recruiters 
• Potential employers 
• Future spouses/relationships 

Yes, your entire future can be in determined by your behavior online. Interestingly she addressed people who believe they aren't online simply because they don't Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr or LinkedIn or any other social media. She asked, "Do you own real estate? Do you have a driver's license? Guess what? You are online -- in public records."

Spokeo and other free public records sites will gladly give out your information. There are ways to get this information down from sites like Spokeo. It requires you going online and request they remove it. Then Ms. Payton tells the audience about the Way-Back Machine! For those who don't know about it, it can be a bit frightening.

Reality sets in as some audience members digest that privacy is slowly disappearing from them and they are jotting down what Ms. Payton is sharing with them and how to go to websites like Spokeo and request your information be removed.

The Way Back Machine, conveniently, although you do have things removed, saves a lot of information. It is like the historic archive of the Internet of all cached files. This validates truly that the Internet can be the world's largest tattooing machine, even when you don't want it to be. You can attempt to laser it off, it may gently fade, but you may see remnants of it someday.

There are obviously a lot of reasons why we should think about this topic, and talk to our kids often about online safety. Thank you, Sue, for sharing Ms. Payton's expertise with us!

Conflict style and resolution

On Wednesday I shared with you the types of difficult people one can encounter online, according to expert Andrea Weckerle. As I wrap up a series of posts on her book Civility in the Digital Age, today I will look at conflict types and resolution.

Ms. Weckerle's book includes a special, five-question quiz that will help you determine your personal conflict style. This is very important as you look at developing ways to best deal with any online conflict you may encounter. For example, my result was Collaborative: The Resolver -

The collaborative approach takes a positive view of disputes and conflicts, regarding them as opportunities for growth. Winning versus losing isn't the foundational mindset, whereas finding mutually agreeable solutions that are voluntarily adopted by all sides is. The Resolver is concerned with meeting both his and the other's side's needs and wants. All parties are held accountable for the outcome. Collaboration requires emotional maturity, a willingness to openly and actively listen to the other side, and enables creative problem solving.

A benefit of the collaborative style is that the parties have an equal say in the resolution of the dispute. This results in greater satisfaction with and acceptance of the outcome. Furthermore, there is a high likelihood that the relationship between the parties - if that's one of their goals - can be maintained, or at the least that past animosity between them can be reduced. Meanwhile, a drawback is that this approach requires a high degree of trust between the parties, and in situations in which their previous interaction has been painful, trust may prove a difficult hurdle to overcome. In addition, the collaborative approach requires much more time than the other styles and thus may not be suitable for situations in which the dispute must be resolved quickly.

This result did not come as any surprise to me, once I read the description. Although I thought there were other potential results going in. Not all my answers fell under The Resolver, just most of them. Here are the other conflict styles:

Competing: The Warrior
Coercing: The Bulldozer
Circumventing: The Dodger
Compliant: The Pacifier
Compromising: The Negotiator
Covert: The Operative

Ms. Weckerle clearly states there is no single right or wrong conflict style. Knowing yours, however, is important. Even when it is other people who are causing the conflict, all we can do is control our own behavior. In order to do that effectively, we must KNOW ourselves, our limits and our abilities.

That can be hard to accept, but it is the simple truth. Once you know your style, you have a much better chance of successfully navigating the online landscape. Ms. Weckerle states, "If you remember only one things about how to approach online conflict, it should be this: determine ahead of time if, when and how to respond."

The second half of this book is, in my opinion, where the true value lies. It looks at anger management techniques, developing digital literacy, conflict resolution skills and strategies, and legal aspects of online conflict.

Last but certainly not least, Ms. Weckerle offers a 30-day Plan for Better Conflict Management Online. Some of the actions are targeted specifically to businesses, but much of the advice is helpful for individuals.

We hear (or read) often the call to action: BE the change you want to see in the world. If you care about creating a more positive online experience, this is a must read for you!

Haters, Trolls, Bullies and Other Jerks

Monday I shared an overall review of Andrea Weckerle's book Civility In The Digital Age. Today I want to delve a little deeper, and look at the information she shares about the types of conflict that occur online and the people who instigate it.

You may think, "conflict is conflict." But there are many different types. Public versus private disputes. Conflict between individuals and one-on-one conflict. Conflict with people you know versus with complete strangers. Online lynch mobs are something often seen in mom-on-mom conflict, as are people who are anonymous or use pseudonyms.

There are also categories of conflict: content-based, personality-based, power-based and identity-based. Don't know how to tell the difference or why it matters? The book details all of the above, sharing examples of each.

Just as there are different kinds of conflict, there are very specific, easy to define types of perpetuators. As Andrea writes, "Troublemakers come in all sorts of shapes and sizes." Here's a breakdown of the most common types:

Trolls 

Who they are - Attention-seekers whose sole goal is to wreak havoc online for the purpose of fun and pleasure. They thrive on the perceived weakness, naiveté, and emotional reactions of their victims. Trolls favor operating in full view on public message boards, forums, and comment sections. The overwhelming majority of the time they are anonymous online or use pseudonyms.

How to handle -  "Do not feed the Trolls" (DNFTT) is the single most important thing to remember when dealing with trolls. Do not engage them in any way. The DNFTT approach entails two parts, ignoring them and disempowering them. The latter involves having their comments removed or having them entirely blocked from participating on a particular site.

There are many different kinds of trolls. Ms. Weckerle details nine different sub-descriptions of troll types.

Sockpuppets 

Who they are - False identities used by individuals online... to be intentionally deceptive. Unlike pseudonyms, which are the names that people use to represent themselves online, sock puppets claim to be the real identities of people.

How to handle -  Figure out whether you are dealing with a sockpuppet. If the person uses a stock photo or an image of someone else, chances are good the account is a fake. See if there are any topics the person likes to talk about on a regular basis, subjects that set him off, or people she either attacks or defends. Do an online search to see where else the sockpuppet is active. Looking at a people's IP address is extremely useful.

Online Defamers 

Who they are - Those who make a false and unprivileged statement of fact about an individual that's harmful to the person's reputation.

How to handle -  Fighting online defamation can be difficult. Often attacking and defamatory statements are made anonymously. It can cost a minimum of $10,000 in legal fees to issue a subpoena to an online company to get them to reveal someone's IP address... Furthermore, defamers often claim they are protected under First Ammendment Freedom of Speech. If they know the person's identity, victims of defamation can try to contact the attacker privately and ask him to please stop. Getting an attorney involved may be necessary.

Cyberbullies, Cyberharrassers, and Cyberstalkers 

Who they are - There are no uniform definitions for cyberbullying, cyberharassing, and cyberstalking. However, cyberbullyies and cyberharassers generally refer to people who use technology to purposefully and repeatedly hurt others. Cyberstalking, meanwhile, is generally defined as using electronic means to harass, frighten and stalk a victim.

How to handle -  The action you take against attackers will depend on the severity and frequency of what they've done.

As an expert in this area. Ms. Weckerle offers specific advice based on a number of scenarios. It can feel overwhelming, to say the least, when you are dealing with any one of these types of individuals or groups.

On Friday, we'll look at how you can determine your own conflict style and make a concrete plan for dealing with difficult people online...

Civility in the Digital Age

When I first launched The Mom Pledge in early 2011, I was surprised to find there was only one organization focused on adult cyberbullying behavior - CiviliNation.  Founder Andrea Weckerle has been a vital resource for me since.

Now, with her new book, Civility in the Digital Age: How Companies and People Can Triumph Over Hater, Trolls, Bullies and Other Jerks, she offers her expertise to all on dealing with the various forms online conflict as well as effectively communicate your own point of view. Ms. Weckerle provides her readers:

The knowledge and skills necessary to navigate and successfully participate in a frequently uncertain and volatile online environment, discover skills to recognize the different types of conflict and conflict protagonists, heading them off when possible, and managing them when not. Simply put, this book can help you take control by proactively dealing with the inevitable conflict inherent in online exchanges.

I have said it many times; we cannot control the behavior of others. All we can do is focus on our own. But many times when faced with online conflict, it can be difficult to know what to do. Especially in the heat of the moment.

Ms. Weckerle offers very specific, expert advice. Her book includes descriptions of the various types of conflict you may encounter online and the people who instigate it. There is a quiz to help you determine your own conflict style and a 30-Day Plan For Better Conflict Management Online.

One of the most common responses I have gotten to The Mom Pledge campaign is, "Is this really necessary?" As one victim of online harassment profiled in Ms. Weckerle's books explains, "Had I not gone through (the experience), I would have been like so many other people and considered the issue of online attacks and character assassinations a mere trifle not worthy of serious attention."

No one who has been on the receiving end of hostile online behavior questions the need for movements like ours and organizations like CiviliNation. Here at The Mom Pledge Community, we know all too well how ugly things can get online.

Ms. Weckerle addresses the specific type of mom-to-mom conflict we see in her book: "the battle between mothers is often framed in moralistic terms... thrown around with abandon to prove the superiority of one side over the other." She goes on to say...

Online the attacks by each side are often ruthless. One woman wrying commented, 'Does anyone remember the good old days, when only your mother and/or your mother-in-law would criticize how you raised your kids?' Fortunately, there are women like mother and writer Elizabeth Flora Ross, who created The Mom Pledge, an online community of 'women standing up, speaking out, and coming together to end cyberbullying among moms, fostering respect, understanding and acceptance.

But I don't just love this book because I am mentioned in it. Or because it speaks to an issue I am so passionate about. It is filled with great information I believe anyone who spends time online needs to have. More than I can share in one simple review.

Check back Wednesday when I will be looking at WHO the difficult people are online and WHAT they are trying to achieve. Then on Friday I'll review the many tools the book offers for making your online experience a more productive, positive one.

Because that is what is should be!

Dear Mom Who Took The Pledge

Dear Mom Who Took The Pledge,

Many days I feel like a very small fish swimming up a big stream. Many days I fear my work is for naught. Many days I wonder if it is all worth it. Many days I want to just stop trying.

And then I remember you.

You made a commitment to make this world a better place. You are working by my side to create a positive, supportive environment for moms. You have taken a stand and said, "This is not OK."

You model the principles of The Mom Pledge. You spread the message. You write and thank me for making a difference. You help me fight the good fight.

You lift me up. And give me strength.

When I feel like giving up, I remember you.

When I see a mom attacking another mom online and am discouraged, I remember you.

When I read the comment section on a parenting post and want to scream, I remember you.

When I watch the news and am saddened by the evil in the world, I remember you.

When my child is taunted on the playground, I remember you.

You are very special to me, and I'll never be able to fully express what your support has meant.

Because of you, I do not feel alone. Because of you, I will not give up. Because of you, I know we can affect change. Because of you, I have hope. Because of you, we will succeed.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth